Harrison Faulkner

Founder of The Beak Report

Teacher on Probation Suddenly Super Nice, Has Seating Chart

“Well I’ll be damned, Mr Caine was actually on time today, and he told the most gut-wrenchingly hilarious joke I’ve ever heard!” exclaimed Algebra II student Henry Johnson, adding that Mr Caine looked surprisingly put-together this morning, and lacked his usual patchy 5 o’clock shadow. “Lo and behold, after several disciplinary meetings and like six …

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Football Team Shows Up To Dying Woman With Dementia’s Room At Alexian So She Can Get One Last Look at Sweet, Sensual High School Ass

REPORT — In a heartwarming and truly inspiring twist, the Signal Mountain High School Football Team decided to show up to the Alexian Village of Signal Mountain to spend some time with local resident Margaret Hansen. Hansen–who is 87 years old and doesn’t remember a damn thing about her life–has been cheering on the Signal …

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Administrator/Aspiring Detective Definitely “Looking Into” Where Flu Epidemic Coming From

BREAKING – Taking matters into his own hands and being unleashed to investigate the situation for himself, aspiring administrator Detective Harwood spent this Thursday afternoon roaming the halls, rummaging through garbage cans in order to figure out “where the heck” this flu epidemic is coming from. “This surge of viral evil is complete blasphemy!” excitedly …

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Government Shutdown Prompts Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross To Advise Tennessee Schools To Take Out Low-Interest Loans Through Students In Form Of Dance Tickets

At the Signal Mountain Middle / High School Snowball Dance on January 26th, teachers handling tickets didn’t have correct change to return to students. As a result, numerous “IOUs” were written on the backs of tickets. This was an incredibly irresponsible way for teachers to handle the situation, both logistically and as there are very …

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Did Student Council Go Too Far? Council Ices Roads For ‘Ice Skating Tuesday’, The Latest Chapter Of Winter Week

In an effort to continue bringing holiday festivity and cheer, the Signal Mountain High School student council was hard at work last night, ensuring that their latest installment of Winter Week would be an unforgettable delight for students all over the mountain. After having given out hot chocolate and having ‘Pajama Monday’, their next move …

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