“I will dominate the absolute hell out of these pubescent, innocent teenage girls, and anyone who stands in my path will be demolished,” said Signal Mountain administrator Mrs Jones into her ornate bathroom mirror while simultaneously rubbing anti-wrinkle cream on her face. However, why this is newsworthy is anyone’s guess, because Mrs Jones does this every morning at exactly 5:30. It’s a morning routine she’s done every day, including the weekends, for the last 23 years. “My one goal, both as a high school administrator, as well as a human being is to expose these weak and powerless girls for what they are: objects. How can a high school properly function if the cavemen-esque boys are constantly being mesmerized by the girls’ disgusting body parts? It can’t! We will have no future leaders if these boys continue to get distracted by the horrifically kinky scapula, or perhaps the oh-so sexual clavicle. Guys need to be doing GUY things, like thinking about their Fortnite wins and hitting up the local delinquent for key lime pie flavored vape juice! That’s how a high school should be run!
“Would I say I’m the bad guy of the school? Absolutely not. I’m just a middle aged woman doing her job to the best of her ability. In today’s fast-paced and technology-reliant environment, we focus on the little things: security threats, getting into college, immense sexism that prohibits the alpha male from getting anything done, you know, that kind of stuff. I’m focusing on the big picture here, and I think I’m doing a damn fine job at that.” At press time, Mrs Jones was found in the cafeteria on her iPhone 4s, searching for her 5 star ratings on RateMyProfessors.com, blissfully unaware that the website isn’t really meant for high school teachers.